Every night I read my son Mem Fox and Judy Horacek’s Where Is The Green Sheep. Below is the definitive ranking of each of the 25 sheep named in the book, in ascending order of my animus toward them.
The Blue Sheep
The Blue Sheep is the least despised sheep in the whole book. It’s a fucked up colour that a sheep would never be, but at least it’s doing some normal sheep stuff by just standing on some grass. If I took this sheep in isolation, I probably wouldn’t hate it, but unfortunately it’s tainted by its association with this larger group of completely bullshit sheep.
The Car Sheep
The Car Sheep is fixing a car that is broken down on the side of the road, and look - fine. I’m steamed that this sheep was driving a car in the first place, and the reason it’s broken down was likely down to The Car Sheep misusing it in some way, but - okay, sure, whatever.
The Far Sheep
The Far Sheep is a mixed bag. On the one hand, there’s a lot of distance between me and The Far Sheep (good), but also it’s so far away as to be completely inscrutable (bad). It’s smiling - but at what? The Far Sheep unsettles me and I don’t want to discuss it any further.
The Wide Sheep
The Wide Sheep is sitting on a see-saw - something that no sheep has ever done or ever will do - with The Thin Sheep (see: Thin Sheep). Of all the sheep in the book The Wide Sheep is probably the most likable in terms of general demeanour and attitude. I’d still scream at this sheep if given the opportunity, but it seems pretty fun, all things considered.
The Wind Sheep, The Swing Sheep, The Sun Sheep and The Wave Sheep
These are all sheep who are having fun outdoors, which is something that everyone can get behind in theory. Would a sane creator allow any of these activities to be undertaken by sheep? The answer is a firm no, but here we are.
The Red Sheep, The Clown Sheep, The Rain Sheep
These are all, for reasons ineffable, my son’s favourite sheep. When he sees them he smiles and sometimes claps his little hands. Out of respect for him I’ve left them toward the lower third of this list even though they all deserve worse.
The Bath Sheep
Now here is a sheep that’s really wasting everyone’s time. It’s splashing around in a big bubble bath, getting water and suds everywhere, which someone is going to have to clean up. I got so mad about The Bath Sheep a few months ago that I googled whether you even need to wash sheep. It turns out that sometimes you do, so that counts for something, I guess.
The Up Sheep, The Brave Sheep, and The Slide Sheep
All of these sheep are doing things that will probably hurt them very badly. (Respectively being shot out of a cannon, high-diving and going down a slippery dip while wearing a pair of skis.) All of these sheep are mere moments away from completely eating shit, and I have a grudging respect for their pluck.
The Down Sheep
The Down Sheep is similar to the Up Sheep in that it’s being shot out of a cannon at a circus, but unlike the Up Sheep, it’s completely failing at this. It’s unclear if the cannon has malfunctioned or if The Down Sheep didn’t position itself correctly but the result is the same - abject humiliation for The Down Sheep and huge disappointment to the patrons of the sheep circus. The down sheep is a joke.
The Train Sheep
This is a sheep that’s on a train. It’s not the sort of train used to transport livestock either, it’s a person train, which is already enough to make my blood boil. On this train are also a lot of other animals - a snake, a cow, a huge snail, and some others. This list doesn’t concern them but I also hate these animals.
The Near Sheep
The Near Sheep’s face takes up the entire picture frame. Were this sheep real, it would be probably an inch from your nose. I hate this sheep’s lack of basic respect for boundaries but at least it’s up to something that I can actually see a regular sheep doing. Rest assured, though, the second The Near Sheep starts doing some non-sheep bullshit like smoking a pipe or writing a letter, it is rocketing to first place.
The Bed Sheep
This sheep is sitting up in a human bed, reading a book - and that’s a one line horror movie. Imagine coming home after a long day, turning on the light to be confronted with a sheep sitting in your human bed and reading a book. You’d completely shit.
The Scared Sheep
The Moon Sheep, The Star Sheep
The Moon Sheep and The Star Sheep are both in outer space, which is objectively horrible, but at least they’re even further away from me and my family than The Far Sheep. It’s never explained why The Moon and The Star Sheep are in space, but it’s not a huge leap to suggest that they’re on their way to kill God.
The Band Sheep
The obnoxiousness of The Band Sheep is difficult to overstate. Picture if you can, a sheep playing the guitar. That alone is enough to make a reasonable person punch their fist clear through a drywall, but The Band Sheep is also playing a xylophone, a bass drum and a euphonium in a sort of Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins configuration. It makes the sound of Satan’s own doorbell.
The Green Sheep
The Green Sheep is just sleeping under a hedge, which is fine, but it’s also is why we’re in this fucking mess in the first place. For that reason The Green Sheep is very nearly the most hated sheep of all.
The Thin Sheep
This is by far the most fucked up looking sheep in the entire book and I hope I don’t sound overly dramatic when I say I’d like to hit it with a car. A slender, spindly sheep with a maniac grin on its face is something that should, under no circumstances, be. Even it’s proximity to the relatively okay Wide Sheep can’t save it from the top spot in this list of All of the Sheep in My Son’s Picture Book Ranked by How Much I Hate Them.